The Truth Behind Evangelion
by Corky Riviera
Summary: The shocking truth behind why everything wants to step on Tokyo3 and revealing the great 'Chair Conspiracy', presented in a threepart story of craziness, love, and questionable monsters. Free Tang with every read!
1. Act I

Corinne Bliss

1/16/2007

Some Dimly-lit Room

The Truth Behind Evangelion

_**A 'Terribly Wrong' Production**_

_**ACT I**_

_Author's Foreword (or forewarning): "This is a short, very enlightening, possibly life-changing fanfiction based on the 'best anime ever n00bs', Evangelion. However, those of weak constitution and no sense of humor, or those afraid of spoilers, should probably avoid reading this. Though this paper could possibly change your life, it is important to realize I am not affiliated with Jesus or his companions and thus I should not be referred to such when you are changed by this literary experience. Thank you and enjoy your flight."_

It was a horridly beautiful day in Tokyo-3 and the surrounding area, if you could ignore the thick layer of orange smog floating over the city. While the town was busily buzzing with usual business, it was a different story in the massive complex owned by NERV, the agency responsible for protecting the world. Today was a special day at NERV, for a shipment had arrived- a very large crate with airholes punched into it stood in the mailroom.

"Wow, it finally came!"

"Get the crowbar from out of the fridge. Okay, everyone ready? One! Two! Three!"

The front panel was pried loose, falling down on the floor with a resounding 'thud', bits of shredded paper falling out like snow. Within the crate, a pile of bedding was quivering nervously.

"Oh, look how cute!" The woman who had opened it knelt down, "Hey there, come on out, don't be shy!"

"Where…?"

"Oh, and it TALKS! This is great! The last one they sent barely talks at all!"

"What… what… where am I?" Slowly, he crawled from the box, coughing out paper strips, "What happened to me?? I was jumped by a bunch of gangsters and then…"

"Welcome to NERV!" The dark-haired woman gave a wink, tossing the crowbar behind her, striking an office worker. "My name is Misato, we're glad you finally arrived!"

"WHAT?" The boy sat up sharply, "NERV? Where Dad…?"

"So then you're Shinji, right? The commander's son?"

"Uh… Yeah."

"Great! I told you the gang was the only way to go! You owe me a beer!"

"Ugh, fine…" The blonde woman sighed, "Well, anyhow, hello! My name is Lisel, very glad to meet you."

"Hey!" The office worker that had been hit with the crowbar sat up, bleeding, "What happened to-"

"Who?"

"The lady in the scri-"

"What are you talking about? Lisel has –always- been here." Misato laughed, "Don't be silly. It's not some kind of conspiracy or anything!"

"Not at all, don't worry…" Lisel smiled, turning back to Shinji, "You must be hungry after being delivered. You were suppose to be here a day and a half ago. Since I've got to go work on some legal forms, you can go with Misato to the cafeteria."

"I don't WANT to go to the cafeteria, I demand to be brought home!"

"Aww, c'mon! Just a short look-see around and I bet you'll be begging to stay!" Misato put on puppy-dog eyes, "Please? For me?"

"But…"

"Oh please…"

"Fine…"

"Great! Well, let's go! It's… this way, right, Lisel?"

"Yeah, sure, eventually you'll get there, as long as you don't exit the building. Oh, and be sure to tell him all about the plans!" Lisel waved, heading off, "See you later!"

"Plans?" Shinji blinked timidly.

"Let's walk and talk, kid!" Misato pulled him up off the floor and started walking. "Okay, so… we got you here in a leeeetle bit of an illegal way, but hopefully things from here on out will be smoother! You know what NERV does, right?"

"Don't they… sue people and make that fake cheese stuff in a can?"

"Well, sometimes. We're organized to protect the area from big-ass things that crawl from the ocean! You know, like Gojira or Mothra…"

"But isn't Gojira on –our- side?"

"Only after we brainwashed him." She winked, then laughed as Shinji grew a look of shock, "I'm just kidding! But yeah, we're helping keep the city safe! Someday we might expand to keeping the rest of the world safe. Well, all except for America. They demand to do it themselves."

"So… You brought me here… to help you?"

"Yeah!"

"I don't know…"

"Ah, but you'll be amazed when you see exactly what great prizes you could earn for helping. There's a sweatshirt, hula hoop, yacht…"

"Yachts??"

"I'm only 78,977,678 points away from mine! Hoo yeah!"

"Uhm…"

"I'll let you ride on it as soon as I get it. Now, where is the cafeteria again…?

"We want answers and we want them now!" A fist slammed against a thick, black table. "Someone is going to have to take responsibility for all the destruction the last Angel caused, and I'm not going to take it!"

"Easy, Martha…" The man next to her sighed, "Just think about your show and take a deep breath."

"Martha Stewart doesn't have to take this shit!" She screamed. "Gendo! What do you have to say for all this?!?"

Sitting in a dark office chair, the stern-faced man glared ahead through his ray-band sunglasses purchased at K-mart during a blue light special. His hands were tightly folded as he thought, resting against his face. "Well let's see now… if we hadn't had done something, the Angel, Rubixcube, would have completely destroyed the city and quite possibly the world. But instead, only a few buildings were damaged."

"It completely destroyed the nun-run Make a Wish foundation's office building filled with crippled children and the visiting Granny Guild!"

"It did? … Woah. Whoops. Sorry."

"Sorry? Sorry's all you have to say?" The council fell silent. Then they quietly discussed the matter, and responded, "Well, okay… since you sound so sincere…"

"But this brings us to another matter." Martha spoke up again, "Isn't there another Child on the way?"

"What? No, I haven't touched a woman in ages! You got me all wrong! Don't point your fingers at me!" Gendo stood up, "I won't tolerate this sort of talk!"

"Dumbass, the pilot!"

"…Oh. Right. Excuse me." He sat back down. "Yes, I believe he came in the mail just today. I had to… send out the squad to 'pick him up', but I believe this is all for the best."

"Yeah, it'd better be. The last so-called pilot you presented to us is a complete loony, and the –actual- one doesn't seem to do much of ANYTHING."

"Oh, don't worry. This one is the real deal. Now, if that's all that we have to discuss, I must go and work on other things… I'm a busy man with my hands full, if you know what I mean."

"Er…"

"Shut up, I hate you and your wild allegations! Get off of my property, losers!" Gendo spun around in his chair, "Come and push me back to the command room!"

"Yes, sir," his colleague sighed and got behind the chair, rolling it away.

"Damn that Gendo… he will pay for this… by buying my lovely matching set of lemon chiffon pie-scented dish towels! A breath of sweet delights every time you clean!"

"Martha, shut up."

"It must just be in here!" Misato laughed nervously.

"You said that five hours ago… I'm starving!" Shinji sobbed into his hands.

"This has to be it!" She swung open the door, looking over some sickly-colored water and a metal catwalk across it. "Well, shit. Oh! But lucky us, we needed to come here anyhow. Stop crying and c'mon."

"I can't take any more of this… beaten up, shoved in a crate, delivered to a place I completely despise, and now I'm going to starve to death. Why, God, why?"

"I said get in here!"

He walked in and sighed, but then looked down at the fluid below the catwalk, "Woah, what is this stuff?"

"Tang." A heavy voice boomed from above.

"F…Father?!?"

"I do believe that is the legal term, yes," Gendo was on a platform high above the vat of low-grade, hydrated Tang, "Howzit been hangin' my homiez?"

"…What?"

"You're in my hood now, you gonna have to learn the talk and walk the walk!"

"Preach it, brotha!" Misato threw a hand into the air with gusto.

"Yeah, you better know who the main man is- that's me, brotha, and don't you forget it 'less I have to take my violin out of the case and put it in yo' face!"

"Why are you calling me brother??"

"Man, you're laming out on my super funk. There's something I want you to see, it may help you get back on the street, brotha! May I present to you… prize number three! Turn around, you lucky toothpick!"

Balloons and confetti rained down as bells went off, and Shinji carefully turned around, then fell onto his behind out of shock. Two big eyes stared back at him, dark and empty, the rest of the body submerged in the Tang. It was an off-purple color, mostly, and was pretty ugly.

"What the hell? Is that a mutant Gamecube or what??"

"That…" Gendo smirked, "Is the latest technology. Meet Unit 01, Brenda!"

"Brenda?"

"She is fully posable with lifelike body movements, complete with beautiful yellow eyes and, later, silky, 'real' hair! You can dress her up and she comes with her own carrying case. Accessories are sold separately."

"Wait, am I suppose to…"

"Yes, Shinji, this is your new pimped-out ride."

"Aww!" Misato cried, "I wanted this one!"

"Shut up you, you're 877,847,233,435 points away from even thinking about it!"

"But… but I don't want this!" Shinji threw his hands to his head, "This thing..."

_I never wanted to remember!_

"I… I can't do it! Isn't there anyone else?"

"Yeah, what ever happened to-"

"SSH. Don't speak her name. We think she's still in the room… She can –hear- you." Gendo nervously glanced around, "And after that impressive display of destruction and proof of extreme intelligence with those finely forged papers, we don't want to get her stirred up again."

"What?" Shinji asked for about the 78th time.

Gendo whispered, "Corky. She's bad-"

"WOAH!" Some shrill voice shouted, "Did someone utter the name of SISTA C?!? Dramatic entry!"

Down dropped a girl in a black coat with fake-fur cuffs and a collar, her red hair held tightly down under a headband with a metal plate in the middle, displaying an engraved music note. Her sandals hit hard against the metal platform, causing her to fall to one side and disappear into the Tang. Spitting and flailing, she crawled back up onto the catwalk. "Lo! I are become Death! It is I, Corky!"

"Why? WHY?" Misato stumbled back, "You should be dead!"

"You cannot kill me, for I am the 67th Angel, Author!"

"There's no such thing as the 67th!" Gendo yelled, "Get out of my building or I'll have to shoot you again!"

"Stuff it, fanny! Hey!" She pointed at Shinji, "Are you the new pilot?"

"Well… I…"

"Oh, how splendid! They figured out I faked my papers- otherwise I would be in your place with a pimped-out ride complete with rims!"

"Brenda has rims?"

"Of course!" Corky crossed her arms, smirking, "Oh well. I suppose the First Child could use a little actual help, especially after what Rubixcube did. Man, that was awesome, total catfight."

"Uh… right…"

"So, young man! Are you going to accept this plot point and become a pilot, or will you let me, Corky, 67th Angel, take over for you? Answer quickly!"

"Don't let her, Shinji!" Misato yelled, "You can't let her take over! She's crazy and has an itchy-trigger finger and a dangerously inflated ego!"

"Fine! I'll do whatever you want with this 'Brenda'. Just as long as you get me something to eat!" Shinji sighed. "I don't know what's so important about it, but right now my stomach and I don't care."

"Excellent." Gendo smirked. "Corky! You heard him yourself! Now get away from Brenda!"

"Grr… oh well. It's pizza-flavored paste day in the cafeteria anyway. Corky, away!" She ran out with her arms to the sides, buzzing like an airplane as she skipped off outside the door. "Yipee!"

"Damn annoying, cameo-abusing Author…" Misato sighed, "Let's go get you that sandwich. We'll follow her screaming and find the cafeteria in no time!"

"Okay…" He glanced up at Gendo for a moment, then followed Misato out in silence.

"Oh yeah, everything is falling right into place…"

"Wow, they cleaned the sneezeguards!" Misato looked through the plastic, "You can finally see what mystery meat you're getting before you randomly grab!"

"Uh, great…" Shinji went with a very tame cheese sandwich, for all of the meat looked suspiciously old and discolored, "Hey… they mentioned something about another pilot…?"

"Oh, yes, that'd be Rei. She was knocked up- I mean, knocked around when Rubixcube attacked. She should be here in about five seconds… Starting… now." Misato turned and looked at the cafeteria doors, "Yup, perfectly on time as always!"

In stepped a girl on very nice, high legs, her foot cast drawing attention to them. Her crutches went thumping across the floor as she swung herself forward with a driving force, her only visible eye (the other under thick white bandages that matched her skin color –perfectly-) a blazing ruby red. Her off-colored, very light blue hair was the only thing that didn't need to be reattached in the hospital. Rei toddled slowly over to the salad bar, then realized she had absolutely no way to grab a tray or do anything, for she'd probably fall on her face and displace her spleen again.

"Holy JESUS, did she get put through a paper shredder?"

"Kind of. Hey, Rei!" Misato waved, "Shinji, go introduce yourself and help her out."

"Er… okay." He walked over, nervous, "H…hello. My name is Shinji Ikari. I just came in the mail today, and… it's a pleasure to meet you… I think?"

"…" She stared in stoic silence.

"Uh…" he cleared his throat, "I'm sorry you got so hurt, I heard a little bit about it… do you need some help?"

She glanced at the salad bar, then back at Shinji. "$u43, k/\0ck y00r53lf 0u7."

"...Huh??"

"D0n'7 83 a 7o7al ls3r and g3t /\/\3 4 $4l4d, 81tch."

"I can't speak leet! That's… that's the DEVIL'S language!"

"n00b."

"Here, I'll just get you some salad…" He piled it on a tray, "Where are you going to sit?"

"0v3r th3r3."

"… Right, I'll just put it over there."

"n00b."

After getting her settled, Shinji sank back to Misato, not at all feeling comfortable with anything in the story so far. Misato grinned widely at him, eating the pizza-flavored paste, "Isn't she great?"

"She –scares- me."

"Yeah, she's a little intimidating, but she's really nice when you get to know her!"

"But I can't understand a word she's saying!"

"Eh, you get used to it after listening to it long enough. It doesn't get less annoying, but at least you can understand… You got enough cheese in you? You can have more, it's free. Just be sure to pick out the bones."

"Bones??"

"Yeah."

"I… I think I'm done eating now."

"Yeah, you look like the anorexic type. Come on, I gotta find a place to sit, my legs are killing me!"

Meanwhile, on the outskirts of town, a terrible creature started to move. It slowly came clambering, the air around it distorting as if it were white-hot. It crested over the mountainside as alarms began to sound, then paused to possibly think of what it was to do next.

"Sir, the next Angel has appeared outside of town!"

"I see, when will we be able to see it?"

"Five seconds…" Everyone held their breath as the monitor flickered on. Then everyone gasped in horror, "Oh my GOD."

"As I expected." Gendo glared forward at the screen, "Cheripoptart attacks at last."

"It actually hasn't done anything yet, sir…"

"Shut up. Damn, they're all after the same thing…"

"What should we do?" One of the female technicians squealed in panic.

"Send out the EVAs. For great justice."

"Alright, let's get you in there and get you out against that Angel!"

"Can I change my mind about this?!?"

"n00b, g3t ur l4m3r 4$$ i/\/ th3r3."

"Yeah!"

"Fine…" Shinji sighed, then crawled into a long, narrow tube-like thing, sitting down in the seat while wearing the office-supplied suit that was probably designed for women only, since it looked horrid on males. "What is this thing made of?"

"Recycled coke cans," Lisel's voice was projected inside via radio, "It only costs us 7.95 US dollars apiece! But maybe you should take it easy…"

"Gee, great." There was a sudden flushing sound. Shinji yelped as Tang flooded the plug, "It's flooding with a horrible, caustic juice substitute!"

"It's alright, this is super oxygenated Tang, cheaper than the other stuff we tried to use- if you keep drinking it you should be able to stay conscious for at least three hours!"

"Launch Brenda." Gendo sat back in his chair, "And bring me my popcorn."

"Launching now!"

Faster than lightning, Brenda was shot up to the surface. The metal door slid open, facing Cheripoptart as it crawled closer to the town. Shinji stared, shaking in anxiety, "What do I do?"

"Walk out and insult it."

"Uh…"

"If we get it angry enough it might do something so stupid it'll hurt itself!"

"That's… that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!"

"It's an order, sorry! Now just get out there! Focus on walking."

"Right… walking… walking…"

Brenda slowly lumbered out, coming to a halt when just out of the metal doors, refusing to move. Cheripoptart, on the other hand, noticed this new object and started walking over. Shinji kept trying to focus, "Walk, damn you!"

"No need to worry, we have just the thing for this. Rollerskate mode!"

Little wheels popped out of Brenda's feet, and gravity took over, pulling her down the street, slowly and squeakily. Brenda stopped just inches away from Cheripoptart, who smelled of deliciousness yet reeked of toaster-pastry evil.

"U-uh…" Shinji gulped, "Right, insult it… Hey, you… yeah, you there, ugly… uh… I have a joke for you. Guess what's so ugly even the tide won't take it out? Yeah, you!"

"l4m3r," Rei was in her unit, nicknamed the Pantymasher, further away, "7h47 j0k3 5uck5."

Cheripoptart was not amused- it let out a sharp squeal and suddenly split open, boiling hot filling pouring out all over Brenda. The scalding pain was transferred to Shinji, who started screaming like a girl. The Angel laughed darkly.

"Shinji, suck it up!" Misato cried over the radio, "Attack it before the filling hardens around you!"

"I'll try!" He forced Brenda to swing her arm up and grab Cheripoptart by a corner, then fought to tear the chunk off. "It's… so… strong…!"

"Hardened Pastry Shield is breaking down…" one of the technicians yelped, "There, he's got it!"

The Angel squealed, filling falling out from the fresh wound, mixing and melting the sugar frosting and sprinkles on its face. However, Brenda was now fixed to the ground as the filling had, indeed, hardened into a steel-like substance.

"I can't move!"

"n00b." Rei's unit suddenly hopped out with a large gun, "I pwn 7h3 4/\/g3l!"

The resulting explosion was so great that molten filling was splashed about the streets, flowing into the river. Bits of pastry lied here and there, but no longer stirred. Everyone let out a cheer of victory- Cheripoptart had been killed!

"Thank god…" Shinji let out a sigh. "But now what?"

"We're going to have to burn the filling off until we can get you out."

"What?? Is that going to hurt??"

"For a little while." Lisel laughed over the radio, "Don't scream too loudly!"

"OH **SWEET JESUS!**"

2 B CO/\/T1NU3D…


	2. Act II

Corinne Bliss

1/18/2007

Cold, Old Building

The Truth Behind Evangelion

_**A 'Terribly Wrong' Production**_

_**ACT II**_

It had been a week since Cheripoptart attacked Tokyo-3. Shinji's body finally figured out that it, personally, hadn't been completely burnt to bits, much to the poor boy's relief. But unfortunately, this morning, he could feel another little burn in the back of his head, one of those nagging suspicions that screams, 'Look out, sucka, some bad motha is gonna getcha!' So when he crawled out of his box (he was still camped in the mailroom, quite close to the water cooler) he wasn't surprised to see Misato.

"Good morning, Shinji!"

"Whatever…"

"Did somebody wake up on the wrong side of the box? Aww. Here, I brought you the office's highly caffeinated coffee substitute, and it's still lukewarm, too!"

"Why is everything here a substitute for real foods?" He gingerly took the foam cup, staring in at the bubbling chemical, "Can't you guys afford –anything-?"

"Of course we can! But you have more money if you're thrifty. You forget the company is run by a bunch of men with kleptomaniacal tendencies." She laughed, "Speaking of which… I was wondering if you were getting tired of freeloading here. I overheard a conversation where they suggested charging you rent."

"I… I can't pay rent, they didn't give me –anything- for fighting that stupid Angel."

"Exactly. So! I have an offer for you. In exchange for your cleaning services, you can come stay at my place! There's a whole extra room I converted into a guest room for when I have parties."

"Uh… I don't know…"

"Oh come on, you'll love it! I'll let you bring girls over if you like."

"What?" Shinji nearly spat out the coffee substitute, "I'm not going to bring girls over!"

"Well, boys, if you prefer… love is love!"

"Shut up, it's not like that!"

"Are you going to take the offer or not?"

"Well…" Shinji thought for a moment. It was getting pretty annoying sleeping in a crate, for the bedding had gone flat and that annoying Corky kept trying to annex it. Plus, it might be nice to be in a place where real food could possibly exist. "I guess I could come."

"Great! You can come with me when I get off work!" Misato clapped her hands together, "We'll make a party of it!"

Somewhere deep within NERV, Corky was sliding down the halls silently. Peering around corners carefully, she slipped silently past a few doors, tiptoeing over the mottled carpet. "The bathroom has got to be around here somewhere… oh?"

She pressed her ear against the door, voices coming from within. "Looks like it's spy time!"

"You know… they'll figure it all out eventually." Lisel crossed her arms, leaning against the desk, "Because you never even –leave- it anymore."

"I don't care. As long as I still have it, nobody can do anything to me." Gendo smirked darkly.

"If you keep it too long, it could cause the destruction of the entire world! I gave you all the reports, which we carefully checked and rechecked- you can't deny that it will become a problem!"

"I don't need you people telling –me- what I can and can't do. I write your paychecks! I give you a place of employment! I also own your soul! Don't forget the contract you signed- we –laminated- it."

"Fine." Lisel sighed, "But when the time comes… you'll be responsible for whatever happens."

"Shut up and bake me a pie, bitch."

Corky quickly ducked behind a well-placed office plant as Lisel took off, probably not going to bake that pie. The Author smirked. "Oh yeah, Corky's finally got the dirt on this whole thing. Sounds like it's time to… crap, I gotta pee before I do anything! Bathroom, where ARE you??"

Later that evening, Misato and Shinji made it to the apartment. (No easy task, for apparently Misato learned driving the same way many abused children are taught how to swim, being tossed right into the middle of it all.) She unlocked the door, swinging it open wide, "Here we are, your new crib, baby!"

"There's trash everywhere!" Shinji wandered in, overwhelmed by the sheer amount of empty cans and wrappers lying about. He came to a dead halt, staring at the panties lying in the middle of the hall. "Oh Sweet Jesus, I have found HELL."

"Hey, that's not a nice thing to say!" As Misato walked past, she picked up the stray undergarments, "Your room is over here, and if you value a roof over your head when it rains, you'll stop complaining."

"It better be cleaner…" Shinji followed her, slowly sliding the door open. "…This is a CLOSET."

"But look! I put a –bed- in it!"

"That's a couple of boards with a blanket on it!"

"So?" Misato huffed, "I'll keep you out on the deck if you'd rather."

"…Sorry. I suppose I –do- like having a small place to myself…" Shinji tried his hardest to find a silver lining, "Plus it is kind of moody, I guess I can make do."

"Great! You can do whatever you want with it, put up posters, paint it, install things… you know. Oh, and while you're here… you can have whatever you want out of the fridge, I don't think it'd be hospitable if I let you starve."

"Oh, thanks! I am pretty hungry." He closed the closet and walked into the kitchen, pulling open the fridge. A great wall of beer in cans and bottles glowed within, and the only other object was a plastic-wrapped item that looked somewhat alive. "… okay…"

He looked up and spotted another fridge, shrugging and opening it. He came nearly face-to-face with the current inhabitant, who was sitting on a miniature chair that seemed to match the one Gendo always sat in.

"WAK."

"Misato!" He shrieked, "The frozen chicken has mutated into a sentient lifeform!"

"What? Oh, you must mean Penpen! He's not a chicken, he's a penguin. Do you want me to get out my bird book for you to see?"

"Why do you have a penguin in your fridge??"

"Where else am I going to keep him, the closet? That's where YOU live!"

Penpen glared upward with one of those 'close the damn door' looks. Shinji quietly obliged, feeling his worries were totally lost in this house owned by a lunatic. In a daze, he wandered into the living room and sat on a floor pillow. "What did I do to deserve this…?"

"Oh, Shinji…" Misato wandered into the living room, "I forgot to tell you. You'll have to go to school tomorrow. The police were wondering when they saw you wandering around at eleven at the NERV cafeteria."

"What? But I don't even have…"

"Don't worry, I got some stuff from my college days you can use –somewhere-… We'll make it a scavenger hunt. Whoever finds it gets to make the loser cook dinner!"

"We don't even have any food!"

"I'm sure we have something! And if you're worried about tomorrow, it'll be okay- you'll be in the same class as Rei. She'll help you get there and everything! Okay… ready… set… FIND THE SUPPLIES!"

Needless to say, Shinji lost, not able to get into the boxes as he was overcome by his fear of women's undergarments, strewn all over the tops. Dinner was prepared, a delicious, hearty meal of Cheez-wiz on stale crackers.

"Have a good day at school!"

"You better have bought food by the time I get back…" Shinji headed for the door, wearing a bright pink backpack with a bunch of daisies and hearts plastered on the back, "And please… buy me a normal backpack!"

"That one works just fine! Don't complain so much! See you later!"

He sighed and wandered his way to the street. Leaning against the wall was Rei, who, as soon as she glanced at him, began walking for the school building. There was an awkward silence that lingered for at least five minutes.

"Uhm… good morning, Rei."

"…"

"Well, uh, my first day!" Shinji laughed nervously, "You'll have to help me out, I don't have any clue about what's going to happen…"

"5R5LY?"

"Uh… seriously."

"n00b… 8u7 I'11 d0 i7 4nyw4y…"

"Thanks, I think!"

"\/\/h4t3vr."

Soon they reached the dismal school building, a sad, concrete built reminder that never once in your life are you free. The sullen students poured in, heading to their classes and waiting for the bell to ring by chatting aimlessly about the latest in Tamagotchi technology and what the new 'black' was. Shinji carefully followed Rei, winding down the halls and into a white, pasty, boring room.

"Gee, I wonder where I sit…"

"Oh!" A girl walked up to him, "Are you the new student?"

"Yeah."

"I'm the class president, Hikari!" She smiled brightly, "Let me show you your desk! It's right up at the front, right in front of the teacher's desk, where he can always glare at you and force you to answer difficult questions, and then scold you when you embarrass yourself."

"Er… gee… great…"

"Right here!" She waved at the desk, "It wobbles a little, and has been known to give people splinters, but I think it gives it charm."

"Then why don't you sit in it?"

"Because." Without any more explanation, she wandered off for her chair in the back, complete with padding and pillows. Hikari gave a cute little wave when Shinji looked back at her in dismay, but spoke no longer.

"Why do the bit characters get better things than me?" Shinji sat at his desk, "Yeow! Splinters!"

Eventually the bell rang, and the teacher strolled in. The old man slumped into his chair like a big slug, muttering a few curses under his breath, mostly about how he hated working with children. "Good morning…"

"Good morning!" Everyone chirped back obediently.

"Well today is a very special day," he grumbled, taking a swig of the dark-colored bottle on his desk, "Because we have a new student. Get up here and tell everyone your name, now."

Shinji headed up to the front and bowed respectfully, "I'm Shinji Ikari…"

"How sweet. Don't beat him up too badly, help him with things, and all that other crap." The teacher paused, glancing at Shinji, "Get back to your seat already."

"S… sorry!" He hurried and took his seat, finding that Hikari was speaking the truth as he was in glare-range.

"Okay, get out your computers and pull up whatever it was we were doing yesterday…"

"Ugh… at least I made it to lunch." Shinji sighed, taking a glance around at the cafeteria. He was unsure of where to go, for all the other students seemed already gathered up in groups. Then near the back, he spied Rei, and decided to try to sit with her. Halfway there, he was abducted.

"Hey, new kid!" The kidnapper dragged him over, tossing him into a chair, "Sit here!"

"E-er, okay…"

"Wow, we don't get many new students." The other occupant of the table blinked behind wide glasses, "It's so cool! You're Shinji, right?"

"Yeah…"

"My name is Toji!" The boy who initially grabbed him sat down in his chair, "I've got an overblown macho-man image because I have problems at home and like to project it on other people my age!"

"My name's Kensuke! I like to play by myself because I'm a socially rejected nerd that has an unhealthy obsession with war! I can tell you every specification about any military vehicle you mention, but I can't remember my own phone number!"

"Er… good to meet you…"

"You must be shy." Kensuke moved closer, "Do you play with yourself too?"

"Er…!"

"So where are you from, Shinji?"

"Uh… gee… out of town, I think. I got jumped on my way to the store by a bunch of members of the Yakuza… I've had a hard time remembering since they hit my head pretty hard. I… er… came in the mail just the other day."

"Wow! I totally told you, dude, the stork is completely out of business thanks to Fed-ex!" Toji suddenly slapped Kensuke's back, "I win again!"

"Stop it! I think you're going to displace my lung again!"

"So tell me…" Toji smirked, "I saw you come with that crazy Rei girl. Do you two, perhaps, work together? Partners in crime?"

"Sort of. We work at NERV…"

"You're a pilot then?!?" The two ganged up on him, forcing Shinji to sink in his chair.

"Y-yes?"

"Damn sweet!" They both cried, "Hey, think you could blow up the school?"

"I wish… eh heh…?"

"That's so cool!" Kensuke sighed, "I finally met someone in the military! Oh, I think this is love…"

"Dude, don't go homosexual on the new kid! Don't make me hurt you!"

"I'm sorry!" Kensuke let out a secret, happy sigh.

"I don't think it's part of the military… I mean… apparently the company works with Martha Stewart-"

"NERV works with SATAN?!?" The two ganged up on Shinji again.

"Martha Stewart is Satan??"

"You didn't know?!? It's so obvious!"

"…Now that you say that, yeah, it is." Shinji shuddered.

"Wow." Kensuke sighed again, "In the military with Satan…"

"Dude, cut it out!"

"Sorry!"

"Uhm… well… I think I'm going to go now…"

"But you didn't touch your lunch!" Toji gave him a suspicious glare, "Are… are you anorexic?"

"Why does everyone ask me that?? No! I eat stuff!" Shinji took a bite of the meatloaf, trying to hide his gagging as the cafeteria fare made his stomach turn, "See?"

"Good… Hey, you should stick with us, Shinji!"

"Why?"

"Because we always wanted a famous friend!" Kensuke grinned, "That means benefits for us, and a posse of admirers for you. It's win-win all the way!"

"And don't try to even think about saying no- I'll beat the shit out of you. Got it, buddy?" Toji glared.

"Uh, right! Right!" Shinji laughed uneasily, "Friends… forever…"

"Bye, new best buddy Shinji!" Toji and Kensuke waved as he started back for the apartments at the end of the day.

"Bye! … why do weirdos flock to me?" Shinji caught up with Rei, still unsure of the way back home, "Er, Hi, Rei!"

"…"

"Did you… have a good day at school?"

"$k3\/\/l i$ t3h l4m3r$..."

"Uh… huh."

Rei suddenly came to a halt, looking around.

"…Rei?"

"i7'$ c0/\/\i/\/g… 73h 4ng3l…"

The ground shook violently as alarms went off, and on the horizon rose a very bizarre, almost peanut-shaped shadow on three long legs with wide, round feet. The eyes lit up, as well as the suction-cup-like lips. It let out a terrible wail, which went up and down in pitch."Eeeewoooweee!"

"Oh sweet Jesus!!"

"w3 mu$7 g0 70 t3H ba$3."

The two ran with haste, making it there in an incredibly short time, not unlike most main characters in short stories. Before they knew it, they were standing outside NERV in their units. Like brave warriors, Brenda and the Pantymasher stood in the setting sunlight, posed for attack.

"The Angel iZee is in range. Please choose a weapon." One of the technicians mewed over the radio, "Though since most of our things are still in development and technically unsafe, the choice is limited."

"Uh, okay… let's see…" Shinji looked down at the weapons, "What the hell??"

"There's a choice of Trout, Herring, Salmon…"

"We're attacking it with giant fish??"

"Yes! Get out there and win for us!"

"Right…"

Fish were chosen- Trout for Brenda, and the Pantymasher taking up the Herring. The two units snuck around buildings, getting ready for a pincer attack on iZee. The iZee was stomping on cars and such but then paused, the ears slowly spinning.

"Be careful," Lisel warned, "It's trying to listen for you."

"Okay… ready, Rei?"

"y4 0K."

"Attack!"

The two leaped out, swinging their fish at the Angel. Though the slapping was brutal, iZee seemed to not react to the beating. Slowly it began drawing in energy, growing madder and madder, as its mouth lit up in anger.

"It's no use!"

"l00k 0u7, i7 i$ g0ing 2 a77ack."

It let out a strong blast- and the two units were knocked back into buildings. The two pilots shrieked as their ears began ringing with the attack.

"Commander!!" A technician shrieked, "It's attacking with Micheal Jackson's 'Thriller'! The pilots are trapped! What are we going to do??"

"…Send them the iPod attachment."

"But it's still in beta! And all it has on it is Aqua's 'Barbie Girl'!"

"Precisely. Sent it out. Now."

The massive iPod was sent up via elevator, popping out near Brenda. "Shinji! Grab the iPod and try to plug it into the Angel!"

"R-right!" Shinji managed to plug his ears, falling out of the range of the audio attack. He grabbed up the iPod, then waited until Rei also fell back. The iZee stopped attacking, slowly advancing on the city, heading for it's target: NERV. Shinji waited tensely until it came waddling past the building behind him. Brenda then leapt out and jammed the headphone cord into iZee's butt and turned it on. "Got it!"

The iZee suddenly wailed, the campy classic song blaring out of it. The eyes began wiggling in sheer agony, and, like a kernel of popcorn, the creature suddenly burst apart. Everyone cheered, pulling out champagne shortly afterwards.

"Good job!" Lisel shouted, "Come on back, we're all getting drunk!"

The next day, the local garbage men were busy throwing out chunks of iZee left on the sidewalk. Shinji woke up as Misato began shuffling around outside of his closet. Grumbling a little, he sat up and opened the door. "Hey, it's too early to be up…"

"Oh, no, we have to get up. We have to pick up the Third Child at the harbor!"

"What? Really?"

"Yeah, so get yourself up and ready, because it's going to be a busy day!"

"What about school?"

"Screw education, I didn't graduate high school and yet I got a great job at NERV, only by winking seductively at the recruiting officer!" Misato used that very wink on Shinji. "So don't worry, and let's get with it!"

After a quick breakfast, the two piled in the car- Misato brought Penpen with, putting him in the back in a baby seat. Shinji fumbled around with his ancient tape player, the only thing he actually owned since he found it himself in a trashcan three years ago. Playing some soothing music, he sat back and tried to forget Misato was driving in the wrong lane, praying to God he'd get to the harbor alive.

Luckily, they did make it, to the land of dead fish and a terrible cat infestation. After putting their penguin on a leash, the two headed off to where the ship was docked. Everyone aboard was still partying after their trip to an artificial tropical island, wearing leis and drinking alcoholic punch like it was going out of style.

"Okay, let's see… oh, here she comes now!"

A wave of terror rolled over Shinji as the girl came down the platform. Her red hair and butter-yellow dress gently flowed in the wind as she came down, ripping the lei around her neck off and tossing it aside. She stopped before Misato, Shinji, and Penpen, staring.

"Hello! You must be Asuka!"

"Oh, yes… That's me." She then stared at Shinji. "And this must be a gift for me."

"Er…"

"That's Shinji, the Second Child! Shinji, this is Asuka, the Third Child! You'll be working together from now on! Asuka is from Germany."

"Really?"

"Si, senor!" She hissed, "But don't you treat me like a tourist or I will KILL you."

"U-uh…. Glad to meet you too."

"Hey, where's your luggage?" Misato blinked.

"I got my sugar daddy all over that, senorita!"

"Who?" Misato gazed up, then shrieked as her heart went still. "No! Not… not…"

"Yo, ladies!" Kaji walked down, hauling suitcases, "Why, if it isn't my favorite plaything!"

"You! Why are you here?!?"

"Geez, I thought you'd be happy to see me, it's been a long time since we've been out together. Remember the last time? Throwing tomatoes at well-respected officials then accidentally falling off the mountain side while we were-"

"SHUT UP!" Misato yelped, "Give Asuka's suitcase to Shinji, and go away!"

"Yow, okay babe, whatever you like." He handed over the case as instructed, "Careful, there's a kidney in here."

"WHAT?"

"Just kidding. Hey, see you tomorrow at work!"

"WHAT?" Misato shouted, "You're going to work at NERV?!?"

"Yeah! We'll be spending tons of time together, just like the old days!"

"No… no, it can't be…"

"Ay caramba, I have no time for sob stories." Asuka marched off, "Bring me to my new home, pronto! Don't make me have to torture you two!"

Shinji hauled the suitcase, following behind, silently crying. "Why, God, why? Why are you making even more psychos follow me around?!? Don't I deserve a break at all? I feel like… like someone is toying with me…"

"…" Gendo sat in his chair in the dark, wrapped up in his fleece Carebear blanket. "Hmm… I feel a plot point coming."

"Ah HAH!" Corky suddenly burst in, "Now that I found the bathroom, I must inform you loudly that now I know! Everything… it all makes sense now! You have no chance to survive make your time! Hah hah, now get up!

"No."

"You're just a coward, using the powers that rightfully belong to us, the Angels! I, Author, 67th, will now kill you!" She whipped out a knife and lunged forward, "Die!"

Corky suddenly gasped as she fell slammed against an invisible barrier, sliding down to the floor. Before she could sit up, a gun was pointed directly at her face. A bead of sweat rolled down her face.

"Gotcha now, bitch!"

"Oh no!"

2 b C0n7inu3d…


	3. Act III

1Corinne Bliss

1/18/2007

In Front of a Radiation-releasing Monitor

The Truth Behind Evangelion

_**A 'Terribly Wrong' Production**_

_**ACT III**_

"Ah, me gusta, me gusta, senorita!"

"Yeah, my apartment is where it's AT, baby!"

"Misato! Misato!" Shinji whimpered.

"What -is- it, Shinji??"

"Why did you bring Asuka here? WHERE is she going to stay?"

"The spare room, silly."

"My closet?? How... how is she going to fit?"

"We'll put in a bunk bed!" Misato dragged some boards in, "That's why I got these from the trash pile!"

"I get the top." She glared at Shinji, her eyes digging into his soul, "Or I'll kill you."

"You better not wet the bed at night." He glared back.

"Kids, kids!" Misato shoved the boards in place, crawling in with a hammer and fixing it into position, "Don't make me come back out there, you wouldn't like it if I had to..."

"How is she even going to climb up there?"

"You'll just have to help her like a gentleman! There. Let me get a blanket to toss in and maybe a pillow and you'll be set!"

"Muchas gracias, senorita!"Asuka smiled sweetly.

"Oh, of course! Give me a moment to find that stuff..." Misato walked off to dig through her pile of semi-clean laundry. Shinji and Asuka stared at each other in stiff silence, even when Misato came back and tossed the bedding onto the 'top bunk'. "There we are! Now, time for a beer!"

Misato walked off again. Asuka suddenly pointed a finger at her bags. "Por favor, ayudeme con mi equipaje."

"What?"

"I said get it up there. NOW!"

"Okay, okay!" He grabbed it and swung it up, pushing it onto the boards. "But.. There's just one thing... I have to ask you."

"Si?"

"If you're from Germany, why the hell are you speaking Spanish?!?"

"No se." She shrugged.

"Whatever. I'm going to bed."

"Buenas nochas! Oh, help me up there first, boy." She suddenly stepped on his back, producing several cracking noises. Asuka climbed onto her bunk and put her head on her pillow, and was suddenly asleep. She looked like an absolute darling. Shinji, after painfully crawling into his bed, closed the closet door and tried to get some sleep.

"BUENOS DIAS!"

"AAAH!" Shinji sat up so fast his head hit the boards above him. He fell back down in a daze. "Sweet Jesus... my head...!"

Asuka snickered, "It's time for school."

"Oh sure, shoot your prisoner!"

"Kids, kids!" Misato pulled the door open, letting the blinding morning light flood in, "Can't you at least -try- to behave?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, senorita Misato! I'll be good!"

"Aww! You should take Asuka for example, Shinji!"

"Grr..."

"Now get out of bed, it's breakfast! I got Poptarts!"

"AAAAAH!" Shinji uncontrollably screamed, "THE BURNING!"

"Whoops, I forgot..."

After Shinji calmed down and Asuka ate much more than her share of Poptarts, the two got their school things together (Shinji still stuck with his pink, daisy-and-heart covered backpack) and headed outside. Rei was waiting, and looked a little surprised when the two came out.

"Good morning, Rei."

"Buenos dias! Me llamo Asuka!"

"...\/\/04h. Wh3/\/ d1d sh3 g37 h3r3?"

"Just yesterday... She's... er... supposedly from Germany."

"I -AM- from Germany! Don't make me hurt you!"

"\/\/0\/\/. $h1nj1 i$, l3ik, pu$$y\/\/h1pp3d."

"Can we -please- just go to school?"

"Oh! No, no!" Asuka shook a finger, "We are not going to school today. We're going to play hooky, see? It's more important I know the layout of the town than it is I learn about math."

"I can't... can't skip school!"

"Oh yes you can. Don't make me-"

"Fine!"

"Dud3, l3ik... 0K. $ch00l I$ t3h l4m3rs 4/\/yw4y."

"Very much so! Okay, to the strip we go!"

"There -is- no strip here!"

"SHUT UP AND CARRY ME."

Shinji nearly collapsed under the sudden weight on his back, but somehow, knees buckling, he shuffled along with Rei following along beside. They made it just outside the local It's A Wonderful Noodle when Shinji's legs went on strike. He fell down, face first, onto the concrete under Asuka.

"Hey! What gives?"

"No... more..."

"What a weenie!"

"H4y. \/\/h47'$ th4t?" Rei pointed.

"Hum?" Asuka crawled off her ride and walked over. She peered into the dumpster, then gasped. A human arm was hanging out of it, covered in blood. "Ay caramba! A body!"

"A BODY?" Shinji got up and looked, "Open the lid, see if they're still alive!"

Asuka tossed the lid open and fell back as the 'body' stirred. Slowly, the bloody girl slipped out of the dumpster, landing on her head which had an impressive hole in the middle of it. Her eyes had gone completely blank, and she was drooling. It was none other than the Author, hastily having been tossed in there. Corky laughed weakly. "The pain it is funny like knowledge seeping out of my braaain."

"AAAH! How are you even still alive?!? It looks like you got shot in the head!"

"BRILLIANT, HOLMES. What will you deduct next?" Corky spat.

"I've never met a zombie before. Me llamo Asuka!"

"Ah, me llamo Corky, el Angel!"

"Y00r n07 4/\/ 4ng3l. J00 h4v3 n0 purp0$3 I/\/ t3h $70ry 47 4ll."

"Shut up!"

"Who did this to you?"Shinji knelt down, ignoring the voice in his head screaming 'it's a trap!'

"The... commander!" Corky coughed dramatically, "Your FATHER!"

"Dun dun!" Shinji shot back in recoil, shouting the dramatic tones, "Not... MY FATHER!"

"YES! YOUR FATHER!"

"Wow, your father shoots people in the head?!?" Asuka giggled, "Just like -my- papa!"

"Why did he do this?"

"I found out... found out about the... the CHAIR."

"Yes... that chair..." Martha Stewart thought, though not very hard, "Martha Stewart thinks there's something very suspicious about that chair..."

"I hear he never leaves it anymore!" One of the council members scoffed, "What do you think about it, Pudge?"

"Arr, it shivers me timbers!"

"I agree," another one nasally added, "It seems to give off a very evil aura. But we will have our answers soon, gentlemen. We did send in that spy... he'll bring us all the details! Plus we did plant the Author there too... I bet she has this all written down neatly for us! Hah hah!"

"Nobody wins but Martha Stewart and the K-mart Council!"

"Yeah!"

"But he might get suspicious."

"Arr, he just be a yellow-bellied land lubber! We'll clip his knees if he even makes one move. Arrgh!"

"Don't worry, gentlemen." Martha smiled darkly, "Justice will be delivered... in a beautiful box you can decorate yourself, though it'll look just like mine because you haven't the sense to be creative!"

"Martha, shut up."

"Come on, we have to get Corky to the hospital!"

"\/\/hy 80th3r?"

"Because, dammit, I have a good nature! It really gets irritating in situations like these." Shinji carefully grabbed one of Corky's arms and legs. "Someone get the other side, and someone hold her head up."

"Eew, bloody. I get the limbs." Asuka grabbed the other side.

"L4m3." Rei held Corky's head up, and the three began hobbling for the hospital. Again with the speed only characters in short stories can muster, they came through the doors, Rei running to the front desk. "J0, i7 I$ 4/\/ 3m3rg3ncy."

"What? Oh my god." The receptionist gasped, "We'll get her in right away!"

A team of men in white coats came out and tossed her on a stretcher, then skipped back into the ward, pushing her along while singing merrily. The others slowly took a seat in the waiting room, in a corner.

"That chair..." Shinji held his head, "I knew something was up with it..."

"Que?"

"When I was little..." Shinji shuddered, "When I was little, he got that chair as a birthday present from Mom..."

"Here, sweetie, try it out! I got it fixed for you!"

"...holy CRAP. This is totally sweet! It shapes itself around my ass!"

"I hope you like it! Happy birthday!" Yui planted a big kiss on Gendo.

"Where'd you get this thing fixed?? I tried everywhere!"

"I found the company on the internet!" She thought for a moment, "It said it had shipped back here from Antartica. But the place is entirely destroyed! How in the world could it have come from there? I mean, the cleaning company address was in Utah!"

"Who gives a damn. This is the most comfortable chair in the -universe-... and now it's fifteen times MORE comfortable."

Little Shinji looked up from his seat on the floor, busy coloring in a book filled with pictures of cats, dogs, and beheaded bunnies, "I want to sit in the chair!"

"You can't... you're too little. It might eat you." Gendo laughed.

"How silly! Chairs don't eat people!" Yui laughed, "Let me try!"

Gendo then peeled himself from it. He helped his wife gently into the chair. She let out a surprised gasp, then a soothed sigh. She grinned, "Wow, this really is a great chair!"

"Oh yeah."

"...Huh?" There was a slurping noise.

"...Are you making that noise, Shinji?"

"Nope."

"EEEEEEEK!" Yui suddenly shrieked as the chair began wriggling around her. Loud munching noises could be heard as she suddenly sank into it's dark cushions. She flailed her hands about, trying to grab ahold of something to drag herself out with.

"YUI!" Gendo tried to grab her, but the chair was too strong! He fell back, and she slipped away into it. The chair let out a loud burp. "WHY? WHY!?!"

"Mommy!!"

"...No fucking way. Chairs don't EAT people."

"It... it swallowed her whole! I remember everything!" Shinji wept, "Then he became so cold... and he gave me to my aunt and uncle..."

"L4m3. T3h ch41r I$ t3h $33d of 3vil..." Rei thought for a moment, "I h4v3 c0/\/\3 2 t3h 4$$u/\/\pti0n \/\/3 mu$7 i/\/v3$7ig4t3. 4f73r 411, i7 w4$ r3uph0l$t3r3d i/\/ 4n74r7ic4… 4pp4rent1y duri/\/g t3h $3c0nd I/\/\p4c70id…"

"Es verdad, es verdad…" Asuka nodded, "Something about it is just –too- suspicious, si?"

"But what can –we- do about it? Dad's packing heat!"

"$i/\/\pl3," Rei smirked. "\/\/hi13 h3 m4y b t3h 80$$, h3'$ $7i11 m4h 8i7ch, j0."

"Ah, me gusta! Let's go immediately!"

"But what about…?"

"C0rky i$ t3h l4/\/\3r$."

"Yeah, screw her! C'mon, Shinji!" Asuka grabbed him and Rei, then ran out of the hospital ward with reckless abandon. She burst in the front doors, then paused to flash an ID at the receptionist. "Hola amigo! Me llamo Asuka!"

"Oh, the Third Child!" The receptionist smiled, "Just in time, too!"

"Que?"

"An Angel is scheduled to attack in three minutes!"

"Well shit…" Shinji grumbled, "Wait… they're… scheduled…?"

"I think you should go get ready."

"Okay! Muchas gracias!"

"Of course!"

"Sir, the Angel is approaching. It will be on the screen in five seconds."

"I see…" Gendo glared forward through his ray-band sunglasses at the screen.

It flashed on, and everyone hesitated, squinting. There was a long pause as apparently nothing appeared on the screen. The awkward silence could have been cut with a knife and served on a tray. One of the technicians, unable to stand it longer, let out a soft 'Er…'

"…Try magnifying it."

"Yes, sir!" The technician hit the magnifying icon in the corner of the screen. "Oh, there it is!"

A little gumdrop-sized, bump-covered ball was slowly rolling through the grass, but it was very slowly picking up loose blades and gravel. Very quickly, it grew and grew, picking up stray bottles and other bits of trash, then it managed to nab a sparrow. Everyone gasped, "It's getting bigger!"

"The Angel Katamari… it's bad shit." Gendo grumbled. "Launch every EVA."

"Launching now!"

The three units- Brenda, the Pantymasher, and now the German-made Enema stood, facing the growing Angel. Shinji was silently grumbling to himself, stewing in the highly oxygenated Tang.

"Okay kids," Misato called over the radio, "Whatever you do, don't let it touch you. Apparently it's stickier than cheese fried on a good plate."

"If we can't touch it, senorita, are we going to be given weapons?"

"Oh sure, what the hell."

"Oh boy!"

A truck slowly rolled over, the people within hopping out and pulling the tarp off the back. Metal gleamed in the sunlight, sharp ends waiting to be poked into soft spots. Enema hurried over and began digging through the cornucopia. Asuka smiled brightly as her unit picked up a pair of orange scissors. "Ah hah! Me gusta, si! Gonna kill an Angel with oversized desk accessories."

"Hey, Asuka, wait!" Shinji yelled as Asuka tore off with them, "You fool, don't run with scissors!!"

The Angel kept growing in size, apparently noticing Enema as it came charging forward. It changed course and began rolling away, now picking up park benches and trash cans. Asuka chased after and let out a shout, preparing to jab the scissors in. But suddenly, the Angel slammed against a wall, freeing a tree from its grasp, which fell on the street behind it. Before it could stop, Enema tipped over the tree and fell forward.

"OH SHIT!" Asuka screamed. There was a loud 'splurt' as her Unit was impaled, through the head, on the scissors.

"ASUKA, YOU FOOL! Why? Why!?!" Shinji cried.

"Sir! The Third Child has been injured and displayed an incredible lack of foresight!"

"Shinji, Rei! Grab a weapon and attack already!"

"0K, 1 pw/\/ t3h 4/\/g3l." Rei fished around in the truck and pulled out a large pencil sharpener, the kind with a long barrel. "0H y34h."

"Er…" Shinji dug around, and pulled out… "…A paperclip. Oh boy. Wait, why is everything… oh, I get it, it's an oversized desk set."

"Look out, it's coming for you!"

The Angel, Katamari, had rolled up Enema and started charging at the other two. Asuka could be heard crying over the intercom as it thundered down the street. Rei leapt out and thrust the pencil sharpener at Katamari, catching it on one end. "0H fux, 17$ 700 8lu/\/7."

"I'll pop it!" Shinji made Brenda throw the paperclip (after carefully unfolding it) at Katamari. The sharp end slipped in between the other crap, hitting the inside. However, the Angel seemed ineffective. "It's not hurt!"

"Sir, it has no weakness!"

"Hm. Wait." Gendo squinted. "Magnify it again."

"Why??"

"DO IT."

The technician shrugged, hitting the button. Everyone stared in silence, squinting hard. Then they all gasped in unison. "That's not the actual body!"

"What??" Shinji squinted, unable to see anything from high up, "Where –is- the real body?"

Brenda ran around it in a circle, searching for the real body. Her thunderous foot suddenly came down, heel first, producing a faint little 'crunch'. The junk ball suddenly fell apart, slowly rolling down the street and dropping into a storm drain. Shinji blinked, "Oh man, I stepped in something."

"Yay!" Everyone cheered, breaking out the Mr. Bubble. "Bath party!"

"c001… y0u $73pp3d 0/\/ i7."

"I guess that's one way to do it… Oh, Asuka!"

The children found themselves at the hospital again, waiting until a nurse led them into a stuffy, bland room with the evening sunlight calmly flowing in from a window. Shinji slowly walked up to the bed.

"…This isn't Asuka."

"Oh, whoops, wrong bed. This one." The nurse pointed.

Shinji walked away from the old man and headed for Asuka's bed, slowly taking a hold of the guardrails. Rei silently stood near the door to the room, blowing bubblegum bubbles that precariously grew larger and larger, but were always sucked back in before they caused a critical explosion.

"Asuka?"

"My head…"

"You should have listened! You don't run with scissors!"

"No importa. You killed it anyway. I'm useless!"

"How can you say that, this is the only Angel you've fought here!"

"Shinji, you don't understand! While my papa may have taught me to be a gangster like the rest of the family, I'm just a decoy! I was taken from my home and sent here to help someone else gather information. I have no idea how to use an EVA, it just looked so cool and…" Asuka started sobbing, "Disculpe!"

"Wait, a decoy?? …That man, Kaji, on the boat! Is… is he a spy?"

"Si, senor!"

"$hi/\/ji." Rei popped her gum bubble, "h3 /\/\u$7 83 l00king 4 t3h ch4ir."

"We've got to warn him, he'll get shot!"

"Oh, senor, don't leave me!" Asuka suddenly grabbed him by the shirt collar, then breathlessly whispered, "No puedo vivir sin ti."

"Er, what?"

"Te queiro con toda mi alma! Me… Me quires?"

"…Uh…"

"dud3."

"Te casaras conmigo?!? Oh, por favor! Si, si??"

"Er…" Shinji blinked. "I…guess…? I don't know what you-"

Shinji squealed as he was suddenly leapt upon, and started shrieking as Asuka planted her lips on his and began running her hands up and down his soft little body. Despite his efforts to push her off, and trying to call to Rei for help, Shinji was completely overpowered.

"\/\/04H. 7hi$ i$ $\/\/337."

"Excuse me, folks!" A boy walked into the room, wearing an outfit that looked like it was stolen from Shinji's closet, "Oh my. Am I… interrupting something?"

"HELP ME!" Shinji screamed in between passionate kisses.

"Hey, the poor thing can't breathe!" The boy peeled Asuka off of Shinji and held her up, "Be a little more gentle."

"Hey!" Asuka wriggled in anger, "Who are you and where do you get off taking me away from my new fiancé?!?"

"My name is… Kaworu. Very glad to meet you."

2 8 c0n7inu3d…

"HEY!"

"…What?" Corky looked up from typing furiously.

"What's the big idea?!?"

"What do you mean, Gendo?"

"You said this was a three-act story. What's this '2 8 c0n7inu3d' shit, motha fucka?"

"There is only three parts! Promise with all my heart. It's just time for… Part III and a half! Muahahahah!"


	4. ACT III ½

Corinne Bliss

1/19/2007

The Couch of d00m

The Truth Behind Evangelion

_**A 'Terribly Wrong' Production**_

_**ACT III ½**_

The Author, using her terrible, self-given Angel powers, mercilessly continued the story. Within the lounge, deep within NERV, Misato and Kaji were busy playing around with the doors securely locked. The room was torn apart in every which way as Misato giggled.

"Oh yeah, we're having some real fun now."

"You terribly naughty boy! I'm going to have to punish you!"

"Oooh, I like this idea. Okay, you ready for –this- one? Three… two… one!"

"Oh yes… Keep moving… more… more! Oh my god, right there!"

"SHIT." Kaji grumbled, "Boardwalk!"

"Pay up, bitch." Misato laughed darkly as she took the paper money, "Oh yeah, Misato's rolling in the dough now!"

"Man, I suck at this game. You know I can't count money! I'm bankrupt. You win." He sighed and sat back in his chair. "They should clean this room a little more often, too, it's a mess!"

"Yeah." Misato tossed the pieces back in the box, "So… what you were on about before… something about why you're here…"

"Uh, yeah. You'll have to contain yourself when I tell you this, because I know it's super cool and that sort of thing… but baby, I'm a spy."

"A SPY!" Misato squealed, "+10 hawtsauce!"

"Oh yeah." Kaji winked at her. This is why he took the job in the first place.

"So… tell me everything!"

"That'd be unwise…"

"I'll let you start first in Candyland!"

"Oh sweet deal! Okay, Misato… you know about the Second Impact, right?"

"Silly, I was there, stuffed in an oversized Coke can!" She giggled.

"Yeah, well… it wasn't really caused by a meteor or anything like that. I did a little research and discovered that, at the time, a secret factory had been opened there, under the disguise of a research facility. But in reality, it was Martha Stewart's new warehouse… she took a bunch of poor children and forced them to make house accessories."

"Oh my god!"

"Yes, it was horrible. But then they did one critical mistake. A chair was accidentally sent there when a label was switched in the post office by a dumbass teenager thinking he was funny… when it arrived, it was in bad shape. So Martha demanded they fix it, because she wanted it for herself." Kaji paused, taking a sip of his coffee substitute, "Then it happened. She put it in her office… and decided it need… dolling up."

"She… she didn't… make –doilies-?!?" Misato gasped in terror.

"Exactly. So as soon as the matching pieces were finished- two for the arms, one for the headrest… she demanded to neatly place them on. But as soon as the third piece touched the chair, well… the Impact was created."

"Oh shit! But… the chair was destroyed, right?"

"No. The rescue team found it floating in the ocean and, not understanding the sheer power it contained, sent it back to it's owner, whose name and address was written on the bottom. Gendo Ikari."

"Oh my GOD. But… what about the doilies?!?"

"They were recovered as well, and treated to various tests. One day they accidentally got used to wipe up some of the Tang coolant… and they mutated. The three pieces became the three EVA units!"

"SHOCK!" Misato screamed.

"Now, all we have to do is-" Kaji stopped short as the door suddenly swung open. He and Misato gasped, holding their breath and staring. His eyes narrowed slowly at the figure in the doorway.

"So. This is how it is." Gendo glared back.

"And this is how it ends." Kaji smirked.

"Yes…" Gendo slowly reached down into his pocket and pulled out a handgun. He pointed it at Kaji.

"No!" Misato got in front of him, "You can't shoot Kaji! He owes me money!"

Bang! An empty shell fell to the dirty floor, bouncing twice before coming to a halt. Time slowed as Misato and Kaji fell to the ground, a red stain spreading out around them. Gendo stuffed the gun back in his pocket, starting to laugh. He turned, and headed down the hallway, neatly folding his hands behind himself. Glancing at a clock, he muttered, "Oh, whoops, time to feed my little darlings!"

"Oh SWEET JESUS, no!!" Shinji yelled, having reached the lounge, looking at the bloody mess, "The carpet is covered in blood! Do you know how hard that is to clean? Oh God…"

"What a pity." Kaworu was still hanging onto Asuka, "You could try club soda, you know."

"…" Rei was silently squinting at Kaworu. He glanced at her and smirked back, upon which point Rei thrust two fingers forward and jabbed out his eyes. "d0/\/7 100k 47 m3 l3ik 7h47, 817ch."

"Arrrgh, why'd you have to get my –good- eye too?"

"Kill him! Kill the bastard!" Asuka was free, rubbing her butt which took the fall, "I hate him already!"

"Who –are- you??" Shinji finally got the nerve to ask, "You're acting like you've always followed us around. I also wonder, but probably don't want to know, why you're wearing my clothes!"

"Oh, these are yours?"

"My name's written on the tag!"

"I see…" Kaworu let out a blissful sigh. "To wear the clothes that have touched the skin of a beautiful young man… oh, heaven."

"3\/\/\/\/."

"Seriously, who ARE you?"

"I… am the Fourth Child! I just arrived today. I'm going to help you confront your Father, Shinji, and take away from him the CHAIR." He smirked again, "For someone as boring as he shouldn't be allowed such a wonderful thing."

"Hey!" Asuka got into Kaworu's face, "What are –you- going to do with the chair, senor?!?"

"Hmm. I don't know… sit in it?"

"Oh, si, si, that makes sense."

"Should we… do something about Misato and Kaji's bodies?"

Rei walked up to them, then knelt down, taking Kaji's arm by the wrist. She slowly moved his hand over onto Misato's butt, then giggled immaturely, heading back for the door. The four children giggled as a group, then left the room.

They ran down the hallways as fast as they could, opening doors and searching for Gendo. Unfortunately the confusing layout of the building prevented them from doing so in a timely fashion. After three hours of searching, Asuka unexpectedly collapsed.

"Asuka!" Shinji knelt down beside her, "What's wrong??"

"Me siento debil…"

"What does that mean??"

"Let me see." Kaworu knelt down on the other side, looking her over. Then with a 'tsk', he shook his head. "It's as I feared."

"What? What is it??"

"She's been poisoned."

"WHAT? How?!?"

"I suspect tainted morphine. The hospital –is- owned by NERV and Martha Stewart, you know."

"Asuka!" Shinji picked her up, "There must be something we can do?!?"

"i7 i$ 2 l473." Rei shrugged, "8y /\/0\/\/ th3r3 i$ /\/0thing \/\/3 c4/\/ d0."

"No… no!"

Asuka looked up at Shinji, tears rolling from her eyes. She smiled sweetly and whispered, "Te quiero apasionadamete…"

"I… I don't understand…"

"Me quieres?"

"Uh, sure! Yes!"

She closed her eyes, then let out a sigh and went still. Shinji gasped and shook her. "Asuka, wake up!"

She didn't stir.

"No! …You can't die! Asuka! ASUKA! WHY?!?"

"/\/\4/\/, h3 ju$7 lo$7 h1$ fia/\/ce." Rei blinked. "p00r d00d."

"We must leave her. We have to keep looking! The survival of this pathetic, silly, stupid, stinky world depends on it, and dammit, I only get paid when this story ends!" Kaworu threw a fist into the air, "You can avenge her death this way!"

"I… I suppose." Shinji tearfully set her down. "I'll come back for you later, Asuka!"

"470p cryi/\/g, 8i7ch. 137's g0."

"Right." Shinji got back up and continued to open doors.

"They're all so adorable…"

Somehow, the Author, despite her poor condition had escaped the hospital and now had her face smeared against the side of the glass bowl on the black desk. She hung off of it, feet gaily kicking, as she tapped the glass.

Inside, the inhabitants all went nuts at the tapping, except for the one that was unhealthily floating upside down at the top of the bowl. Corky laughed, pointing at them while they settled back down.

"It's so great they keep me a personal aquarium! Uh-oh." Corky looked back as the door to the office swung open. "Gasp!"

"You!" Gendo pointed, "Get away from my Reis!"

"But they're so cute!" Corky peered in at the tiny, naked little girls, "I want some for myself!"

"No! You should be –dead-! DEAD!"

"Stupid, you cannot kill me! For I are become death, Corky, the 67th Angel!!"

"THERE IS NO 67th!"

"Wait a minute. If you're standing up…" Corky stared at Gendo. Then the two glanced at the chair behind the desk, then back at each other. This continued multiple times until the two threw themselves at it. Both fought to push the other off and sit in it. "My chair! Get off!"

"This is MY chair, it has my name in it!"

"No! Your fat, old ass has no place in a chair of this caliber!"

"I'll show –you- a caliber!" He pulled out his gun and pushed it against her head once more, firing a shot. When she fell to the floor, he planted his bottom in the chair. "Gotcha bitch! My chair now!"

"FATHER." Shinji walked into the doorway. "How –could- you?"

"Er… could I… what?"

"You shot the author! And you're shooting everyone else!"

"…Uh… oh, really? I didn't noticed." He tucked Corky's corpse under the desk with his foot. "Did I really shoot them?"

"Yes you did! We're going to stop you!"

"Yes!" Kaworu stepped out beside Shinji, taking his hand, "Side by side, like –true- friends!"

"Let me go!" Shinji whipped his hand back, then blinked. "Where's Rei?"

"Oh, she… er… had to go to the bathroom. She wanted to make sure you knew she was fine and hadn't been strangled by anybody."

"What??"

"Hey!" Gendo shouted, "How dare you kill my hoochie-mama!"

"Shut up, you." Kaworu pushed Shinji forward, "Now confront him! End this madness!"

"Er… right!" Shinji stood up straight, glaring at Gendo. "Father. Get out of the chair."

"You can't tell me what to do, I'm bigger than you are! Don't make me ground you, Shinji! What would you do if I got up anyhow?"

"I'd… I'd…" Shinji swallowed deeply. "I'd SIT IN THE CHAIR."

"You may have been conceived in this chair, but you ain't gonna sit in it!"

"…Eeew!"

"You couldn't handle it anyway. The chair has become much more than a normal office chair." Gendo smirked. "The chair is hosting the soul OF YOUR MOTHER."

"Wow, your mom is a piece of furniture." Kaworu pointed and laugh.

"I can take it… I've learned many things in this bizarre story. I've learned how to handle the power. I've can handle the memories now… I don't know why, but I know I can! Father, if you continue to use that chair, it will cause the Third Impact and destroy the world… I just can't let you do that!"

"Go ahead and try to stop me!" Gendo laughed, then suddenly gagged as a scarf was pulled tight around his neck from the side. "What?? I can't breathe!"

"Muahahaha!" Martha Stewart laughed in a demonic, deep voice, "I, Satan, have come to destroy you! I will take back this chair and kill EVERYONE! You have no chance to escape make your time! Hahahaha!"

Shinji yelped, unsure of what to do. Time was running out- he suddenly grabbed up the Reiaquarium and lifted it up high, then smashed it down on Martha's head. She collapsed, pulling Gendo down with her as the little Reis wiggled around on the floor, giggling cutely. Shinji shook, holding the broken base of the bowl, squeaking, "Father?"

"Shinji… look… out!" He gasped.

"Why, don't mind if I do." Kaworu slowly bent at the legs, lowering into the chair.

"It's… a setup…"

"Kaworu, don't you dare!"

Kaworu came to a complete rest in the chair, then started laughing maniacally. The room started shaking as the chair began giving off a muted glow. Shinji ducked behind the front of the desk, holding his head as a loud rumbling grew. Kaworu pointed and laughed, "Foolish human, you made this far too easy! I, Tabris, Angel, can now rule over the entire world! The true powers are being released into me! I shall keep you as my love slave! Muahahaha!"

"No!!"

The Author, slightly revived, dug around under the desk and found a handy hairpin. She slowly moved, finding the right spot… and then jammed the hair accessory into Kaworu. He froze, gasping. Corky smirked, "Oh no you don't, sista!"

"…AAAAAAAAAAAAAIGH!" He screamed in agony, "YOU STABBED JUNIOR! MY CROOOOTCH!"

"Shinji, stay down!" Corky dragged Kaworu to the floor. A massive explosion resulted, the light blinding Shinji as everything disappeared in the flash. The sheer power threw him from the room, and he went out as he hit the wall. The entire world shook with the impressive explosion.

"…Shinji. Oh Shiiinji."

"…what…?" He squinted, looking up at the gray sky. Painfully, he sat up, rubbing his eyes. "Who…?"

"Me llamo Asuka!"

"ASUKA! You're alive?!?" He grabbed her by the arms, "You… you died!"

"No, senior! I just needed a nap."

"There was an explosion! …What the fuck happened?"

All around were bare support beams. Buildings were completely destroyed, and animals and people lied in piles on the streets. Every piece of plant life had been burnt away from the orange earth. Asuka shrugged, "Third Impact."

"This sucks! … Now what?

"Uh…" she thought, "Well, since you –are- my fiancé now…"

"Oh god, no! Stay away! Don't you touch me! NOOO!"

"Hmm." Lisel peered down on the town from what was left of her office. "Well, everyone… we screwed up royally. I've got my work cut out for me now… at least some of the Reis survived. I see a future filled with… albinos."

T3h 3/\/d$!

"Time for some credits!"

"Hey everyone. I'm Shinji Ikari."

"Me llamo Asuka Langley Shoryu."

"y0, i/\/\ R3i."

"We want to thank you all for reading this story." Shinji bowed respectfully. "This is the truth behind Evangelion, finally revealed to the rest of the world. Thankfully, at the time this has been written, it's 2007 and we escaped the worst of the Second Impact."

"8u7 y0u $7i11 g07 8u$h 2 d34l \/\/ith."

"Yeah. But! Again, we thank you for giving us your time. If you have any questions or comments, please email the 67th Angel, the Author. Though you probably won't learn anything new, you can at least get another look into the insanity that brought this story to life."

"Hey," Asuka put her hands on her hips, "What's next, anyway?"

"8347$ /\/\3."

"I don't think I want to know…" Shinji shuddered.

"True. Adios, amigos!"


End file.
